Who I am

Wishing someone would understand what it is I’ve fought all my life. It was never to make my life easier or to become a very rich person as that never interested me. I grew up always sensing that something was not right in the world I saw. One of my first memories was President John Kennedy being shot and killed. Then listening to President Johnson talk on the radio about Vietnam while riding around with my Grandparents throughout the Ohio countryside. Hearing of the civil rights marches led by Dr. King, hearing of his ultimate assassination. Malcolm X and Bobby Kennedy too. Watching a war fought in Vietnam on TV every night or protests against it. 
Race riots and political speeches were always played out in front of me. The whole time I would sit and listen to the radio or watch the TV news even as a young child. I was a good kid or at least that is what I’ve been told. Very neat and clean as I’d have school clothes and play clothes I new the difference and would change my clothes without being told. I played with toys and would pick up after myself when done. My Grandpa bought me this tiny set of cowboys and Indians there were hundreds, I saw them in a store in New York City on one of our trips there in the late 60’s. Grandpa must have seen my eyes as I marveled at this bag of horses, cowboys and Indians. 
I was spending my weekends and most of my summers at my grandparents as both of my parents worked. I would get up in the mornings and set up great battles with these toys. The horses were black or brown and the cowboys and Indians were red, green and blue except for one Indian was yellow that became me in this fantasy play. Even when I went outside to play I took my Winchester pop gun and climbed up into the crabapple tree and would imagine fighting off the cowboys protecting my tribe. Always have wondered if this is where I got the wanting of long hair? Thank God for the 70’s as it became the style. Today my hair is almost past the middle of my back and every haircut bugs me until it grows back. 
As you may sense I was a loner in ways as I spent a lot of time that way and not necessarily by choice. My sister is 5 years older and most of my first cousins are now in there late sixties or seventies. I was the baby of the entire family and never had anyone my age to play with. So it was me and imagination.
When I started school the first day was a total embarrassment to me as I showed up without the magazine and other things that everyone else had. This may have created or contributed to my dislike day one of school. I spent a lot of time that year in the principles office doing my work and talking to the principle about how I didn’t understand why I had to take a nap. I didn’t need one and I wanted to learn about everything instead of drawing and wasting time sleeping. I don’t remember his name but he was a great guy. 
At home I played with the boy behind my house Tommy and his older brother who beat Tommy up all of the time. I hated watching this but sat and watched it happen. Their mom would yell and scream but it never stopped. On the weekends I’d be back at grandma and grandpas doing my thing. In those days it seemed as if we were always around family. My cousins in Michigan then New Jersey, or  throughout Ohio as we traveled a lot. Being so much younger I was of course left with my only true friend, my imagination. Maybe calling it that is wrong but I was always able to play quietly on my own never be coming bored.
There were some blank periods when I was young that I am honestly not sure of the timeline as it was kept from me as to what was going on. I have almost total recall of my younger days except one fact that has effected me more than just a side note. My sister became seriously ill at some point when I was about 3. She was hospitalized for almost a year in a vegetative state from some form of meningitis. I in ways remember her absence but can’t seem to pinpoint it exactly. 
We never played together and were never close and in fact to this day she refuses to even speak to me. I look back and try to figure this what was a life changing event for my family and me in particular as things were so messed up. She was older by 5 years yet treated so differently than me. I could do no right and she was the Queen Bee. When we became older I was not told I was wrong when we fought I was only told ” Don’t upset your sister”. I’ll never forget he hitting me in the back with a coffee mug. I picked it up and my Dad screamed “Alan no don’t you dare” she laughed and walked away. Dad saw her hit me in my upper back but that’s okay she could have hit me on the head that too would have been fine.
It wasn’t explained to me why I was never to defend myself or had to watch as everyone bent over backwards for her. I never saw her punished in my life and she was always given whatever she wanted. We both got the mumps and it was if she may die any minute (exaggeration) but the 6 year old (me) was told “stop whining your okay”. I always felt pushed aside as no matter what I did I never could get my parents attention. It was never explained to me why until I became older and even then I was told never to bring it up and ” that’s the way it is”. 
That’s the way it is was already something I’d heard whenever I’d question most things. To me this is just surrendering and hiding the truth. I used to piss off the authority figures in my life as in my parents or elders. They’d ask me what I was doing as a teenager and I’d tell them. At times it was things most would lie about and get into trouble. Why lie? Tell the truth, my parents would look at me and I could see the thoughts going on inside. They wanted me to lie so they had a reason to punish me. I wouldn’t. Believe me they stopped asking and would just punish cause they knew I’d fess up. As I tried to teach my own kids not to lie I found out that it didn’t work as they’d lie their butts off. 
I loved many things as a child and some still remain the same. Reading has always been a favorite as I prefer nonfiction, history, psychology, autobiographies, sociology. There was one book that was written in 1949 that for reasons u known to me until now, 1984 a fictional book about the future. Something told me in 1975 when I first read it that it was not fiction it was really the future. If you’d read this book you will see hopefully what I saw then as it was telling the plan that would be our future.
Baseball remains my favorite sport despite my inability to give it the time I once had. I first played in a league at 8, due to birthdays I was always a few months behind my peers in age. My Dad and Mom liked to watch the Tigers on TV I’d watch but during the 68 World Series I was a St Louis Cardinal fan. When the Tigers won my Mom never let me forget I rooted for the wrong team. I became a Tigers fan and remain one today. I played for a team called the Red Barons I threw right handed and batted left. My parents always stressed right hand dominance. One game I was playing first base and the ball was thrown over my head, I ran after the ball shedding my glove and threw the ball back into the field. My coaches Mr. McDonald and Johnson stopped the game. They told me to throw again left handed. I did and it was then I became a left handed ball player. 
I’m considered ambidextrous as I can use either hand or have dominance with one or the other depending on what I’m doing. Right/Left brain function. Both sides working equally. Screwing me up on many motor skills and psychological. I have above average physical ability and above average understanding of emotional and logical thought. At 15 when my parents were forced to hire a lawyer attempting to get me back in school we were told my IQ. Probably a mistake on their part but as I’ve realized it was because  of it they didn’t understand why I didn’t like school. 
It wasn’t that I didn’t like school as I love to learn. My objection was and is the Bullshit politics involved. The attempt to fill our heads with lies and untruths to create what we see today. People that accept that phrase ” that’s the way it is .” the same went for organized sports and life in general. Even families play this game. God knows the hours I sat in front of Principals, Deans and trying g like hell to stop the BS. Just as we all have heard in the 2016 presidential election, even as children you were only allowed to vote for those that the powers that be chose. Trump did upset this but I must explain my experience as what I was told and saw. 
I broke a national record record that may still stand in Junior High. 40 yard shuttle run. After I’d done it and the gym teacher went into his office and called someone. I watched him looking at the stopwatch and saying things I couldn’t hear through the glass. I could tell he was arguing with whoever. He finally came out and said he was mistaken it was only a school record. Bullshit! I experienced  the same p!aying 3B baseball. As I was told I was the most valuable player the night before the awards by the coach. The net day as they announced my teams MVP I began to walk up as they announced another name. I waved and walked back down the steps. I was told later it was because I was given other awards during all-star tournaments. I was a kid for God sake. 
This never ended as when I played basketball, the end of the year ceremony the captain of the team was to get up and say a few words. At the beginning of the season everyone voted and picked our captain. I’m not naming names on purpose. So when it was announced that the captain was to speak I look at who I was told was the captain wondering why he didn’t get up to speak. I looked around and noticed everyone looking at me. Throwing my hands open saying what? I was told by my teammates that they all had voted for me as captain. I was experiencing corruption and fraud. 
This is just a tidbit and if I’d have the time a book that is nonfiction. I have been told many times to write about myself and my experiences that have made me who I am. If you are interested hit like and I will expand on this truthful journey. 


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